Making Waves • Supporting Survivors • How To Be An Effective Ally

How To Be An Effective Ally

January 2, 2026

Illeana Epps

Our Wave Volunteer

Supporting Survivors of Sexual Harm

When a survivor of sexual harm shares their experience, your response can greatly impact their healing. Experiences of sexual harm can include harassment, rape or assault, domestic sexual abuse, exploitation, and trafficking. It is recommend that you prioritize validation, safety, and survivor autonomy in these situations.

Listen, Believe, and Avoid Judgment

To start, the number one most important thing to remember as an ally is that it is never okay to victim blame. Avoid any statements, questions, or even facial expressions that could make a survivor believe that you are against them or their story. Your overall goal is to make the survivor feel safe to talk to you and that they will be believed.

For facial work or the proper body language, try to maintain a relaxed and comforting expression. Nod along as they tell you their story, showing that you are attentive and listening. Maintain eye contact to show you’re present and don’t allow yourself to become or appear distracted by other things. This could cause a person to feel unheard by you and to shut down.

Ensure that you do not use any statements or ask any questions that are negative or perpetuate victim blaming. This can include:

Why did you go home with them?
If it was really that bad, you would have left.
What were you wearing?
You could have just said no.
How much did you have to drink?
You should have known better.
Why didn’t you call someone?
You were leading them on.
Did you fight back?
You should’ve reported it.
Why didn’t you just leave?
You were asking for it.
Why didn’t you go to the police?
Sounds like they just really liked you.
Were you flirting with them?
You provoked them.

In order to be a good ally, it’s important to avoid saying or asking any of these things. These types of comments shift responsibility from the perpetrator to the survivor, implying that the survivor played a role in causing the assault or abuse.

Survivors may feel interrogated or blamed if you lead the conversation with “why” questions or ask for specific details about how the event happened, including chronological details that they may not be ready to share.

The simple use of “why” and searching for a timeline of the events makes it feel as if the survivor did not take the proper steps to prevent the instance, or that they made the wrong decisions in the moment, didn’t do enough to stop it, or instigated the sexual violence to begin with. It may even make the survivor feel as if you believe that they ‘wanted it,’ which is a terrible concept to put upon a survivor.

These negative reactions towards someone’s story can be extremely harmful to your relationship with them and their trust with you, as well as their relationship and trust with others. It can cause the survivor to further retreat away from others and feel as if they cannot share their experience with anyone else.

Thus, it’s always important to reaffirm to the survivor that their experience with sexual harm was not their fault and that it is the perpetrator who maintains all of the blame. To show your support to the survivor, you can say things like:

I believe you.
This was not your fault.
You did not deserve that.
Thank you for sharing this with me, I know it must have been hard.
I am here for you, whatever you need.
You are safe.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Your reaction is normal.
I am here to support you through this.

The Sexual Violence Research Initiative provides some information on statements that you may believe sound supportive but can actually be extremely harmful. These include:

Why or how could someone do this to you?
- This may make the survivor start to wonder what they could have done to “make that happen” or overthink how they could have done something differently to prevent it.
It could have been worse, you’re lucky that something more awful didn’t happen.
- Every survivor’s story of sexual harm is different. This does not make one experience more “valid” or “less bad” than other stories, even when people went through different things.
I understand completely.
- You may be able to empathize with a survivor’s story, or are even a survivor yourself, but you must remember that you will never know what it is actually like for them and how their own individual experience impacted them.

Every situation and person is different, but every ally’s overall goal should prioritize showing support and belief. This is not something that needs to be done subtly. Instead, it is important to use explicit statements like the ones listed above, including “It was not your fault,” and “I believe you.”

Understanding Survivor Responses to Sexual Trauma

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists reports that survivors often have emotional reactions, distorted self-perception, and symptoms of post-traumatic stress. In one article on Child Sexual Assault (CSA), they write that:

“Survivors may experience intrusive or recurring thoughts of the abuse as well as nightmares or flashbacks.”

That is why it is important to remain as calm as possible, maintaining a stable source of comfort and acceptance.

Additionally, the Rape Crisis Scotland writes in their “Guilt, shame and blame” report that:

“Survivors of sexual violence often feel guilty or ashamed about what’s happened…This is a natural response to the stress and trauma of sexual violence.”

These are strong feelings that can make a survivor feel bad about themself. It’s common for survivors to feel guilty, ashamed, humiliated, and embarrassed. Such feelings can get in the way of asking for help and taking the steps to move forward from it.

Shame, for example, can make a person feel worthless and as if they are not worth helping. They also often experience strong feelings of self-blame, believing that what happened was somehow their fault.

As an ally, it is important to try and help them defeat these misconceptions about their experience. Remind them that 100% of the blame lies with the perpetrator. Sexual harm occurs because an individual or group chooses to use force, manipulation, or coercion to engage in unwanted sexual activity. They have this desire to begin with and will do it to anyone, no matter the survivor’s clothing, intoxication level, location, or personality.

It is not the survivor’s fault in any way that their experience of sexual harm occurred. Remind the survivor of this. No one should ever feel at fault for the pain that another person chose to put upon them.

Maintain Privacy

Always respect the privacy of the survivor who has come to you with their experience. It is never okay to tell someone’s story of sexual harm to another person. Maintain strict confidentiality, ensuring that you do not share their story with others without their explicit consent.

It is always up to a survivor to determine who they tell and when. If you were to tell another person, this would directly and drastically harm, if not completely destroy, the trust that you two have. The person who told you their story may not feel comfortable coming to you with future feelings, experiences, or for advice.

This may cause them to further retreat into a distrustful mindset of others. This can then cause self-isolation, making it more difficult for the survivor to feel comfortable reaching out for help from others, including their loved ones, medical or mental health professionals, or law enforcement.

Don’t Take Control

That is why avoiding negative reactions like the statements discussed earlier are so important. However, negative reactions can also include what you may believe to be your “help.” You may, by accident, begin to remove the survivor’s control by trying to make decisions for them to achieve what you believe to be the “best solution.”

Remember, it is not your job to “fix” the situation when a survivor comes to you with their experience of sexual harm. Unless they clearly and explicitly ask for your advice, including questions like, “Who should I tell? Where should I go? What should I do?” then it is not your place to immediately take over the conversation with these resources and advice.

While this may seem counterproductive and confusing to you, the important thing is for the survivor to feel that they are regaining control over their own life. An important part of being an ally is to remember that sexual harm involves a drastic loss of control. These survivors were put into a position where their ability to protect their body, mind, and to make decisions for themself was compromised or completely destroyed by someone else.

Sexual trauma is fundamentally an experience of extreme helplessness where power and control are taken away. Allowing the survivor to lead the conversation and make their own decisions is essential for them to reclaim their sense of agency. By pressuring a survivor to take certain actions or to speak about specifics of their experience with sexual harm, you may cause re-traumatization.

Part of an ally’s role is to help the survivor restore their sense of control by letting them lead the interaction. Allow the survivor to make all the decisions, including how much information regarding their experience that they share, at what speed they share it, and whether they report it or seek medical care. This is their journey of healing, not yours.

Offer Help As Needed

Overall, being an effective ally means offering a listening ear, expressing support, providing validation, and working with the survivor to build their feelings of safety and autonomy back up.

Every person has their own experiences and will require different levels of support. You are an important part of their healing journey. Therefore, it is helpful to read through articles and other strong, evidence-based sources for information on how to be the best ally.

Websites like RAINN, the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), Rape Crisis England & Wales, and the Administration for Children and Families offer resources specific to survivors of sexual harm and/or their loved ones looking to learn more about coping and supporting survivors.

If you are someone or know of someone in need of such resources, other more specific places include:

National Sexual Assault Hotline: Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) for 24/7 confidential support.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 800-799-SAFE (7233) or text "START" to 88788.
Local Crisis Centers: Use the RAINN Search Tool to find nearby rape crisis centers.

Your Impact Makes A Difference

You are such an important part of a survivor’s journey of healing! Remember that sometimes just being there to listen is the absolute best thing that you can do for someone processing an experience of sexual harm. By being a place of safety, comfort, and stability, you are providing a survivor with the foundation they need to continue to work towards finding help and working through their experience. Never forget the impact of your words and actions on others.