What Is The Role of Forgiveness in Trauma Recovery?

In the aftermath of surviving sexual violence, survivors will often find themselves facing the concept of forgiveness. Survivors hear about it from a multitude of sources, including family members, friends, supporters, clergy, mental health treatment teams, the judicial system, and possibly even the perpetrator themselves. 

Ultimately, forgiveness is a deeply personal thing. If you or someone you love has survived sexual violence, remember that the survivor is in control of whether or not the perpetrator is forgiven.

What is Forgiveness?  

Forgiveness is a word loaded with many differing underlying contexts based on who you ask. It can mean something different for people across cultures. At its most basic definition, forgiveness is the choice of someone who was harmed to let go of the harm.

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation  

Humans tend to hold onto harm that has happened to them because they have been wronged. In order to validate ourselves, we hold on to the anger, knowing it makes sense to be angry. 

In a Psychology Today article written by Ryan Howes, PhD, he states that while forgiveness and reconciliation are related, they are not the same. He writes: 

“forgiveness is an internal process where you work through the hurt, gain an understanding of what happened, rebuild a sense of safety, and let go of the grudge.” 

He goes on to quote another psychologist named Lewis B. Smedes, who says:

“It takes one person to forgive, it takes two people to be reunited.” 

For those struggling with the pain of sexual violence, the idea of facing a perpetrator may be unsettling at best. Knowing that there is no expectation to reconcile after forgiveness can be a comforting thought. 

You may have had multiple people involved in the sexual violence perpetrated against you, or people who were complicit in those acts. You may feel wronged not only by the immediate perpetrator, but also by those institutions or individuals who played a part in the aftermath or handling of consequences to the perpetrator. You might wish to reconcile with some but not others involved. 

However you decide to handle it is your choice. The healing process is not linear so there is no pressure to make one firm and final decision immediately. 

What To Expect If You’re Ready to Forgive…

Everyone will have a different experience with forgiveness. There are a few things to keep in mind when and if you are ready to forgive:

• Forgiveness doesn’t always feel immediately positive or freeing: Forgiveness is not something you can just decide to do by speaking it out loud, which will make you forget about everything. Forgiveness may start by feeling inauthentic, conflicting, confusing, or frustrating. 

• Forgiveness is not a linear process: Just like healing, forgiveness has periods of setback, periods where it is easy, and periods where it is difficult. People can wrestle with forgiveness for a long time. 

• Forgiveness does not have to be loud: And it does not have to be quiet either. While it is deeply personal, it is your choice to express it how you want to. 

There are many ways people practice forgiveness in the context of sexual violence. It might include writing a letter and burning it. It could be bringing an item to a significant location. It could be a special prayer or ritual that you use when you struggle with post-traumatic stress. 

Forgiveness’s benefit is meant to be a path toward seeing yourself as more than just the trauma. Forgiveness is not forgetting, but rather, putting to the side for better things. 

Forgiveness Is Not A Requirement

The worst way to try to get someone to forgive is to make them feel like forgiving is a requirement. It can feel like our autonomy is taken all over again when victims of sexual trauma feel required to do something in order to “feel better.” Remember, that you can still feel whole and fulfilled without forgiveness. 

This is especially true in spaces where forgiveness is weaponized against a survivor. In a religious context, forgiveness may be touted as the “only way,” and there is pressure to do so immediately and inauthentically for the sake of others. 

Similarly, some cultures may see forgiveness of sexual violence as the price of keeping vital support. In families where relatives commit incest, forgiveness may be seen as a greater good for the family, especially without holding the perpetrator accountable in the first place. None of these circumstances promotes authentic forgiveness in a way that is healing to the survivor. 

It is, however, worth it to consider the benefits of forgiveness. Forgiveness can be empowering by allowing a survivor to feel more in control of their emotions and their life. Forgiveness can also help survivors shift their perspective in a way that helps them to process the events, especially in therapy. There can even be benefits to your physical health such as better immune system responses. 

Final Thoughts About Forgiveness 

Before rushing to forgiveness as the remedy for sexual trauma, we should consider how big of a role forgiveness has for each individual person in their healing journey. 

If you are considering forgiving the perpetrator or anyone else who played a role in your traumatic experience, give yourself time and permission to attend to your immediate needs. Forgiveness is an option that will always be there. Even after people are in prison or they pass away, you can forgive them. It may be messy, chaotic, and full of mixed emotions, but it is a great tool in the recovery process.