How To Show Up With Care When Your Partner Is A Survivor
February 27, 2026
What does it mean to be a survivor?
A survivor of sexual harm is an individual who, at one point or at different points in their life, has experienced any form of non-consensual sexual act, contact, or coercion. This person normally has to face both short and/or long-term effects of their trauma, which includes both physical and mental impacts.
The experience of sexual harm and the ensuing effects is a deeply personal and complex situation that varies from person to person. However, there are many concepts or experiences that are extremely common amongst survivors.
For many, they experience complex emotions like shame, guilt, embarrassment, anger, fear, and sadness. They may have distorted self-perception, nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts, or have mental health struggles like depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or feelings of numbness and dissociation. Physical and behavioral effects can be anything from chronic pain to changes in appetite, sleep disorders, substance abuse, and changes in sexual desire.
Differences in the symptoms and impacts of sexual harm can vary depending on many personal factors, including at what age the abuse occurred. So while the experiences of one person vary from all others, the importance of creating a supportive environment does not change.
How can I support my partner?
There are a lot of things to take into consideration when being a proper source of support for your partner after they have been through an experience of sexual harm. Recovering and healing, both mentally and physically, from sexual harm is an incredibly complex, stressful, confusing, and draining process.
It’s very difficult on the survivor, and can be difficult for their loved ones, as well. This is because it can be hard to know exactly what to do in such a situation where your loved one has been through a traumatic experience.
The right thing to say may not be apparent and the next steps may be unknown. That’s why it’s extremely important to keep an open line of communication with your partner. Without pressuring them too much for answers right away, it’s important to understand the needs and wants of your partner as they navigate the difficult experience and its following healing journey.
Resources such as the Rape Crisis Organization of England and Wales, the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN), and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC) all offer various pages of information, hotlines, and other contact information. They also offer important advice.
Using these resources, my own personal experience with sexual harm, and various other sources, here are some of the most important things to remember when supporting your partner.
Listen without judgment
The first step to showing up with care when your partner is a survivor is to make sure that you’re actively listening to what they have to say. Oftentimes, it’s very difficult for a survivor to tell you their story because it can pull up a lot of negative and complex emotions and memories. This can be very upsetting to the survivor, and so it’s important to remain calm and be a source of comfort so that they feel safe to talk to you about what happened to them.
Try your best to not interrupt at all until they are done telling you everything they want to. You can gently nod along to the story, keeping eye contact to show that you’re actively listening when they express their feelings and experiences to you, no matter when that is. This will help your partner feel heard at all times and open to communicating their needs and wants in the future.
One of the most important factors for creating a safe and comforting environment for your partner is to “avoid judgmental questions or dismissive statements,” (CAASE, 2023). Some things may not make sense to you, but as long as they don’t disrespect your own boundaries then it’s not always necessary for every part of a person’s experience to make sense.
Don’t dive deep into asking too many questions about their story or push at their boundaries throughout the relationship, as this may make it seem as if you’re doubting what actually happened or that you’re trying to pressure them into something.
The Rape Crisis Organization says, “Don’t judge them for anything they did before the sexual violence or abuse,” because there is never any excuse for rape or any other form of sexual violence or abuse. It’s important to remember that 100% of the blame falls on the perpetrator(s), not on the survivor.
Here are some examples of questions not to ask your partner when they’re a survivor:
Why didn’t you just say no?
Why didn’t you fight back?
Did you flirt with them (the perpetrator)?
What were you wearing?
Had you been drinking too much?
Were you out late at night?
Why did you go there alone?
Believe and validate
Never underestimate the healing power of a clear and simple statement of “I believe you.” It may need to be said multiple times throughout a survivor’s life, not just once at the beginning when they share their story.
It’s easy for those who have been through traumatic experiences to have bad days where all of the complex thoughts and memories become a mess of negativity and pain in our minds. It can be hard to remember the positive things and the fact that sexual harm was never the survivor’s fault.
Being a survivor in our society can be extremely hard as there is a lot of media and comments about what truly makes someone a survivor, what their experience should look like, whose to blame, and how they should be coping. It can be hard on some days to hear those negative things and push them away from your mind, which can cause further self-doubt, anxiety, shame, and a depressive or spiraling state. On these hard days, remind your partner that you know their story to be true and that it wasn’t their fault.
Here are some important phrases that you can remember and use when providing support to your partner throughout any stage of their healing journey:
I believe you.
You are not alone in this.
I’m here for you.
You did not deserve that.
It was not your fault.
Respect autonomy and boundaries
It’s important to remember throughout the time with your partner that at one or multiple points in their life, a cruel person made them feel powerless or as if they had lost control. No matter how much time has passed, the negative and painful emotions that come from this experience can spring back to life, especially when the survivor feels as if their boundaries are being crossed or control is being taken away from them.
It’s incredibly important for survivors to feel in charge of their own lives and to have the continued support of their partner to do so freely without judgement or pressure. It can be easy to feel as if you need to take charge and “fix it” when someone you love has been hurt, but you don’t want to take over and make decisions for your partner unless they ask you to.
Instead, you can help them to work through their feelings, explore their options for a situation, and make their own decisions about it. It can be helpful to have resources in your mind if the situation arises, but allow your partner the space to determine what would be best for them.
The Rape Crisis organization reminds us that “there’s no right or wrong way to be or to feel after sexual violence or abuse – and only a victim or survivor can really know what’s best for them.”
Even if they’re not the same decisions that you’d made, try not to ignore or judge your partner’s choices as they navigate life after their experience. Trust is a difficult thing to have after trauma like this, so pressuring, judging, or pushing their boundaries can be a betrayal and cause you to lose them or cause them to be unable to open up to anyone else, limiting their support system and ability to heal in the future.
Be patient and try not to push your partner to tell you more or to do anything before they’re ready. This can be especially important when it comes to intimacy with your partner, as they may find physical or sexual contact difficult. Whether that’s every day or on some days, it’s important not to take it personally or to get upset. Remember that it’s not about you, but about what happened to them.
Here are some phrases or questions you can use to respect your partner’s boundaries:
What do you need from me?
I’ll support your decisions.
What can I do to help?
I won’t pressure you, take all the time you need.
Is there anything I can do to help you feel more comfortable?
Provide ongoing support
Healing is not a linear process for survivors. It can take weeks, months, or years, with some effects lasting for the rest of a person’s life. After experiencing sexual harm, it’s extremely common for a survivor to have good days and bad days.
They may wake up one morning and go about the whole day feeling as if the world is perfect and that they’ve moved on and forgotten about the whole thing… and then the next day may be a painful and draining one with flashbacks, depression, anxiety or insomnia.
That is why it’s so important to continue providing support, even in small ways, every day. You must remain patient with your partner, remembering that they’ve been through something traumatic and that it can take a long time to truly process everything that they’ve been through.
Rushing that process will only make things worse, as pushing down the memories and feelings can only cause them to fester and grow like an untreated, open wound on the body. No one tells someone with a broken leg or a serious physical diagnosis to just “get over it” or “move on with your life.” The mind must heal in a similar way, with patience and support.
Above, you were provided with a multitude of important and positive phrases or questions to use when showing up and providing support to your partner. Now, here are some key phrases or questions to avoid when your partner is a survivor:
Why don’t you just move on?
You’re dragging this out.
It’s been (amount of time), shouldn’t you be over it already?
How is this still affecting you?
Can’t you just be normal again?
You’re too old to still be affected.
Why are you still holding onto that?
You need to get over it.
I’ve been waiting a long time, can’t we just do something? (Especially when in an intimate or sexual context, this is extremely harmful and is a type of boundary pushing and pressure).
Remember!
This is someone you care for deeply and who cares for you. The best thing you can do to show up for them is to provide a safe, supportive, and comforting space so that you can continue to build and grow your relationship together with kindness and respect.
Be there for your partner while also ensuring they have the space to create their boundaries, make their own decisions, and navigate their post-experience journey. By sharing your love and providing your support, you can help your partner with a very difficult recovery that brings about many complex and negative experiences.
Remember, there is no timeline for “getting over” sexual violence or abuse, and there’s no “to-do” list that needs to be checked off. By being respectful of boundaries and using open communication, you and your partner can navigate anything together!
References:
https://www.caase.org/support-a-partner-who-was-sexually-assaulted/
