New Year’s Reflections

Holiday songs have been blasting, decorations are at every store, and soon social media feeds will be inundated with New Year’s resolutions, if they aren’t already. It’s a complicated time of year. For survivors of sexual harm, the holiday season can feel triggering, overwhelming, or dismissive of past or present pain.

If that’s the case for you, you are not alone. This time of year can be challenging for lots of folks and January’s focus on self-improvement can feel like an accusation, you’re not doing enough, when getting through the day as a survivor can feel like a major accomplishment, because it is. You are absolutely enough! 

Reflections vs. Resolutions

New Year’s resolutions are painted as goals for “betterment”. Except that, for survivors of sexual harm, feelings of guilt and shame can be so powerful, resolution-type language can be off-putting, or downright harmful. 

I offer, instead, an opportunity for New Year’s reflections. While New Year’s resolutions are sometimes framed as Big Changes, I think that can negate all the little things you’ve most likely already been doing throughout the past year. That’s not to knock Big Changes, if those feel right to you. What I mean is, the shadow of making a major resolution may block the light from what you’re already doing. 

Instead of resolving to go to the gym seven-times a week, you may consider what types of exercises have genuinely felt good this past year. Maybe that twenty-minute walk you take in your neighborhood is actually a highlight of your week, that certainly counts as exercise. Maybe making time for that walk a few times a week, and aiming for the gym at a frequency that feels good to you, is right. Only you can know!

Letting Your Values Guide You

Intuition is powerful. Intuition is our gut sense. It’s that little voice that tells us that maybe we can trust someone and be vulnerable, or not. Intuition may not always feel logical. And it’s not always valued in our societies, or workplaces. It can be easy to dismiss, “I’m being dramatic.” You’re probably not being dramatic. Honoring your intuition isn’t a linear process. It can feel uncomfortable. It can be challenging to know where to start. 

Thinking of values, as opposed to goals, can be empowering. Instead of making a list of things you must accomplish, consider reflecting on what matters to you. Creativity? Gratitude? Tenacity? 

Reflecting on what you hold important can be a more forgiving starting ground. It paints a landscape that your daily activities and larger hopes and ambitions can populate. 

While we typically have shared values in communities, an individual’s values are idiosyncratic. For survivors of sexual harm, it can be hard to know what you like and don’t like. 

Creating a list is individual-centered. If you’re unsure where to begin when it comes to listing values that resonate with you, value cards exist online and in-print to spark your imagination. Free writing, that is writing with no prompt in mind, can also be helpful. You may be surprised what really resonates with you, and what doesn’t anymore! 

Curiosity and Reflection Prompts

I believe that self-reflecting, anytime of year, begins with curiosity. Curiosity towards yourself and others can open the door to new possibilities. 

If further reflecting, or goal setting before the new year, feels good to you, consider: 

• What do you need in this moment? You can start small. A blanket? A cup of tea? What do you need this new year? To deepen a particular friendship? To find a hobby that’s meaningful to you? 

• What do you want? Deep down, do you have interests that feel easy to dismiss as silly? I bet they’re not silly. Identifying and honoring your wants is vulnerable and can lead to feeling grounded in yourself. I used to be intimidated by hiking, the language and culture of back-packing felt overwhelming. I realized I wanted to try and have found time in nature to be restorative, and I never have to be a serious backpacker if I don’t want to be!

• What no longer serves you? You might consider if some friendships feel one-sided. Or reflect on if you can really take on more at work when you’re already at capacity. 

• What do you want to continue doing this year? What felt good? Honoring things you used to enjoy (hobbies, foods) can be powerful. Maybe you haven’t played soccer since you were a little kid. If you want to, consider getting some friends together or joining a rec league. 

Making Space for Grief and Growth

While pop culture and social media may push the idea of the new year as a fresh start, honoring losses is also important during this season. Holiday traditions and the new year can stir feelings of grief. The desire to avoid negative feelings makes a lot of sense, and in a lot of societies we’re not given the space, time, or people to grieve with. I say this as someone who’s tried avoiding grief, those feelings don’t go away. Grief isn’t weakness, it’s strength. 

Beyond this, grief isn’t stagnant. Honoring loss can be an opportunity for growth. Grief groups, or workshops, can be powerful sources of healing and a way to show up for yourself. Grief can serve as a time to honor your needs and desires. Joining a group, or asking for help, is an act of bravery. It can feel like a challenge, not a bad challenge, but an empowering one.

Grief can be a time of new beginnings, routines or rituals. Grief can be a motivator to push yourself to try something new. You might ask yourself what’s something you’ve wanted to do but feels like a challenge? Maybe going to a restaurant alone? Or asking a new friend to hang out?

Fear, Rest, and Self-Compassion

The expression “do something that scares you”, while well-intentioned, may or may not resonate for survivors of sexual harm. For survivors, everything can feel scary. Moments that might be innocuous for those without trauma histories, can be triggering and feel absolutely terrifying. 

Even slowing down and resting can feel scary. Self-judgment can feel inevitable, why aren’t I enjoying relaxing, what’s wrong with me? 

Acknowledging and healing from sexual harm requires boundless self-compassion. Self-compassion is no small feat. I don’t think any of us can center self-kindness all the time. It’s more of an exercise, or practice. 

While challenging as that is, it means that there’s no real wrong way to fail! If you are reminded of self-compassion from time to time, you’re still doing it. Whatever your New Year’s goals or reflections are, centering kindness towards yourself and trusting your intuition are grounding places to start.  

Moving Forward with Kindness and Flexibility

Ultimately, we can set goals and reflect all year long. There are pressures in multiple directions this time of year to be goal-directed and reflective. That’s not a bad thing, but it is limiting, and it can feel like you’re being set up to fail. Consistency and routine maybe aren’t “cool,” but they sure can feel good, especially for survivors of sexual harm, for whom the world can feel unpredictable. 

My belief is that flexibility in goals is more empowering and attainable than rigidity. This time of year can be a check in point, but it doesn’t have to be the only one. Maybe checking in with yourself can be a seasonal, monthly, or daily practice.

Few things in life are either entirely successes or entirely failures, but more of a continuum. For survivors of sexual harm, self-kindness and gentleness are in order no matter the time of year, or whatever goals you have in mind. This year I aim to stay ambitious and to keep checking in with myself, honoring my intuition with compassion!