What Is Sexual Trauma? 

“It is the physical and psychological challenges endured by survivors of sexual assault.” - Elizabeth Plumptre from Very Well Mind. 

Sexual trauma is a response to any non-consensual sexual act, act of coercion, or unwanted sexual attention. It includes a wide range of experiences, including but not limited to sexual assault, rape, and sexual harassment. 

After going through any of these painful experiences, sexual trauma can look like psychological or emotional effects, including post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, shame, guilt, confusion, a loss of one’s sense of self, emotional dysregulation, derealization, and other mental health diagnoses.

Sexual trauma can have physical effects like nightmares, panic attacks, chronic pain in different parts of the body, gastrointestinal issues, sleep disturbances, and can result in or exacerbate long-term conditions like hypertension or heart disease due to the stress. 

All of this is to show how no one experience looks the exact same as the next when it comes to sexual trauma, and every story and experience is just as valid no matter the differences. We all go through and process things differently both mentally and physically, and none of us truly know what that will look like until we are facing it ourselves. 

This is the unfortunate reality of trauma of any kind, including sexual. That is why it is so important to have a plethora of resources and options for processing and healing from sexual trauma. This helps survivors find what pathway works the best for them. The one thing that all survivors do have in common though, is the fact that they deserve validation, support, and love, from others and from themselves.

In my experience, the most difficult area was accepting all of these things for myself after my own sexual trauma. This may not be the same for everyone, but either way it’s important for all survivors to understand that they are deserving of these things and that achieving self-love after sexual trauma is possible! 

What Exactly Is Self-Love? 

Self-love is the state of being able to appreciate, accept, and have a high respect for one’s own well-being, happiness, and personal growth. It involves treating oneself with compassion, nurturing physical and mental health, setting boundaries, and not settling for less than one deserves. It is an active practice of self-care and self-compassion. 

What Does Self-Love Look Like After Sexual Trauma? 

Self-love after sexual trauma is an important journey that can vary and change depending on what a person needs and what they can handle at the time. This process can involve engaging in self-care or seeking out professional help like therapists, counselors, and/or support groups. 

There is no singular journey that looks the same, but each is with the goal of reclaiming ownership over one’s body, mind, and life. It is about reconnecting with yourself and filling your life with the joy, comfort, safety, and satisfaction that you so entirely deserve. 

So how can you participate in self-love? Here are just some of the many ways: 

Setting Boundaries 

A key part of healing is setting boundaries with people in your life and the new ones who enter it. It’s about understanding that you deserve to say “no” and to communicate your needs. 

Setting firm boundaries helps regain the sense of control that many survivors feel like they lost during and after the trauma they experienced. These actions act as a foundation for self-love after sexual trauma, restoring your bodily autonomy, reclaiming personal agency, and creating physical and emotional safety. 

It helps to shift your mindset from one of forced compliance or people-pleasing to a place of self-respect and empowerment. Setting boundaries reminds you that your needs and safety matter, and no one has the right to push through or override these things. 

Self-Compassion and Care

This involves treating oneself with kindness. It’s about acknowledging that you have personal strengths, passions, dreams, and more, and that you are deserving of all of those wonderful things. 

It’s extremely common for survivors to blame themselves after an experience of sexual harm or assault, believing that in some way they brought it upon themselves or even deserved it. Neither of these things is true for any survivor, but the negative feelings, thoughts, and mindset can be hard to shake. 

Offering yourself compassion means working toward releasing the guilt and shame of your trauma, allowing yourself to recognize that what happened was NOT your fault. 

Practicing positive-self talk is an incredibly important (and underrated) method of working toward this. It’s about shifting from a hateful, blaming, or frustrated relationship with yourself and moving on to a loving one. In order to do this, it’s important to identify and challenge the negative beliefs and ideas that invade your mind, working towards overriding these with compliments and phrases of kindness and love.  

Some examples of positive-self talk include: 

• “I am worthy of love and respect.”

• “I deserve to feel safe and comfortable.” 

• “What happened was not my fault.”

• “I am doing the best that I can, and that is enough.” 

• “My past does not define my worth.” 

• “No is a full sentence.” 

• “The shame is not mine to carry.” 

• “It is safe for me to feel all my feelings.” 

• “My body is mine.” 

• “I honor and respect my boundaries.” 

• “I am strong and powerful.” 

Never underestimate the power of words! It’s important to understand how the way you talk about yourself, in your own mind and to others, can impact your mindset and feelings about who you are, the experiences you’ve gone through, and the surrounding world. 

Remember that there is no pressure or ability to follow a specific timeline for healing. Part of self-compassion and self-love is being patient with yourself. Take things at your own pace, and don’t see bad days as setbacks or as “going backwards” in your healing journey. This path is not a linear one, but instead a winding and twisting one that may seem to go back and forth. It’s all part of the process. 

Reclaiming Your Identity

It’s important to remember that you are not what happened to you. Sexual trauma does not define who you are, nor determine who you can be. 

This can be incredibly difficult to internalize, which is why reclaiming your identity is so important for the healing process and for experiencing self-love. A significant way to do this is by participating in your favorite hobbies or finding new ones that you enjoy. This helps to reconnect with both your body and mind, rebuilding a sense of safety and joy in your life. 

Many activities allow for non-verbal emotional processing, reduce stress, and foster a loving, patient connection with yourself. They can help survivors reconnect with who they are, independent of the trauma.

Creative activities like writing (e.g., poems, stories, notes, letters, in a journal), painting, drawing/sketching, sewing, knitting, crocheting, crafting, and pottery can allow you to reclaim your voice and find outlets for the thoughts or feelings inside. These activities offer a mindful and meditative experience that reduces anxiety, lowers stress, and helps manage symptoms of trauma. 

Physical activities like yoga, walking, dancing, running, or swimming can help release stored tension within the body, increase body awareness, and promote a sense of safety within your own skin. 

Hobbies provide a safe and controlled environment where survivors can make their own choices, participate in the activities they love or explore new ones, find peace in repetitive or calming actions, and express themselves through art or physical activities. These are so important for reclaiming a sense of self and practicing self-love.

Building a Support Network

Experiencing sexual trauma can make you feel as if you’re alone in the world or that you need to isolate yourself from others. It can be hard to trust other people after being hurt so deeply by another person, whether they were a stranger or someone close to you. However, isolation is extremely harmful to your healing journey. 

Reconnecting with others, including friends, family, therapist, support groups, or romantic partners, ensures that you have a supportive network of trusted individuals who can be there to validate, support, and care for you. Engaging in healthy and communicative relationships can be a big part of the healing process as you learn to not only trust your own judgement, but to also trust others. 

A support network provides a safe place for you to process your experiences, feelings, and to work through any negative self-concept that you developed due to the trauma. It’s also an important part of reclaiming your identity, and thus your life. 

Reconnecting With Your Body

One of the biggest challenges that many survivors of sexual trauma face is their struggles with intimacy or sexual experiences. 

“Components of the trauma memory from the past can get associated with experiences in the present, thus activating the trauma response.”  - Karen Taylor, Senior Social Worker and Coordinator of Trauma-Focused Services at John Hopkins University. 

This does not mean that anything is wrong with you or that you did something wrong, nor does it mean that a partner (if present) did anything wrong either. It simply means that there are negative associations occurring due to a painful experience. 

Research from John Hopkins University shows that self-sexual pleasure is a good way to explore your sexual preferences and to rebuild trust and connection with your body. It can re-open pathways to a clear connection of ownership over your own body, mind, and pleasure. 

When you feel ready, it’s then important to talk to your partner (or partners) about your boundaries, what you like and don’t like, and how you and they will communicate about consent throughout the intimate or sexual time together. This can mean establishing safe words or actions to halt the sexual activity when needed or when to slow down and/or check in about how you're doing.

Therapeutic Support

Seeking professional help is not on every survivor’s agenda when living with sexual trauma, and that is completely okay. However, it can also be incredibly helpful for many. Therapeutic support can foster self-love by providing a safe space to tear down feelings of shame and guilt, processing traumatic memories, and rebuilding self-worth. 

Therapists, counselors, and support groups can help survivors reframe self-blame into self-compassion, challenge negative beliefs, and reconnect with your body through specialized, trauma-informed care. 

Key therapeutic approaches include trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and support groups that connect survivors and break isolation. 

Certain types of therapy and help may work for some and not for others, and so it is important to be patient with yourself and with the process to figure out what works best for you and your needs. 

You Deserve Love

No matter which methods you choose to take, this is your journey. Don’t let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do or how you should feel during this process. Self-love is a journey for safety, security, comfort, care, and joy. These are all of the experiences and feelings that you deserve, and can fight to reclaim! 

References: 

https://bbrfoundation.org/blog/self-love-and-what-it-means

https://facesofhopeidaho.org/2024/05/21/why-self-love-matters

https://www.mindmattersmhc.com/blog/loving-yourself-after-surviving-trauma