Dark Romance, BookTok & Consent: What Exactly Are We Reading?

This is the first article in a series examining dark romance, BookTok, consent, and the complicated relationship between fictional fantasy and real-world ideas about intimacy. 

A man follows every single step a woman takes, watching her without being noticed. Everyone who gets close to her is immediately threatened, and any attempts to push him away are ignored. And possession is now proof of devotion. 

Outside fiction, none of this sounds particularly romantic. And it is only fair to point out that for many survivors these behaviors aren’t fiction. They are real experiences that can leave lasting trauma.

On BookTok, however, you have probably seen a “morally grey” character being praised for doing much more. Change the lighting, add a dramatic soundtrack, and now the same behaviors can become part of a familiar romantic fantasy. 

Dark romance has become one of the most visible and controversial corners of online reading culture. Obsession may be rephrased as devotion, jealousy as protection, and sometimes a woman's refusal as just another obstacle for the male protagonist to overcome. Though isn't that a rather strange definition of love? Well, perhaps not in some dark romance novels. 

Nobody is suggesting that every reader who enjoys a fictional stalker wants one standing outside their window. Just as people read about murderers without wanting to become one, it's possible to be fascinated by things we would never wish to experience ourselves. Some survivors may find these stories as safe ways to process challenging experiences and the emotional burden of them. Whereas other survivors may find the exact stories retraumatizing. It is important to be aware that there is no ‘right’ way to act, survivors may respond differently to similar situations, and all are valid.

Still, romance is a peculiar case. 

We are not simply watching something terrible happen. Instead, we are being asked to perceive the person responsible for it as romantic and even thoughtful. And somewhere between the fictional fantasy and the very real behaviors it borrows from, a question emerges: when does depicting abuse become romanticizing it? 

So, What Exactly Is Dark Romance? 

You have probably come across the term more than once, even if you have never picked up a dark romance novel. Perhaps through a BookTok recommendation promising a dangerously possessive love interest, a comment section full of readers defending a character's rather questionable understanding of personal boundaries, or a news article about how dark romance affects its readers' lives. 

But what actually makes a romance dark? 

The violence? The obsession? The morally questionable characters? Or does any love story involving an unhealthy relationship qualify? 

According to Katie Deane, a PhD candidate in English Literature at the University of Birmingham who researches dark romance, the genre typically brings psychological or physical aggression, coercion, unequal power, and morally questionable behavior into the courtship itself. 

“Dark romance is a genre of popular romance in which the courtship narrative is rendered somewhat fantastic and marked by a combination of psychological and/or physical aggression, heavy thematic material, power imbalance, coercion, and other morally questionable dynamics, usually within the protagonists’ relationship. Largely, ‘happy endings’ for the couple remain present, although the sense of an optimistic conclusion may be undermined for some readers due to the nature of the courtship or fictional world.” 

In other words, the darker elements are not necessarily obstacles standing in the way of the romance. Sometimes, they are what the romance is built around. Think of the difference between a love story in which someone protects their partner from a dangerous person and one in which the dangerous person is the love interest. And yet, despite everything that might happen between the first encounter and the final chapter, dark romance generally holds on to a familiar promise: a happy ending. Two people fall in love. They overcome whatever stands between them. Somehow, everything works out. Except that in some of these stories, what stands between them might be the very behavior that would make the relationship frightening in real life. 

So does a happy ending make everything that came before it romantic? Not necessarily. But it certainly makes the question more interesting. 

The History of Dark Romance Before BookTok

For all the attention dark romance receives online, our fascination with dangerous fictional lovers is hardly new. 

Long before BookTok was a thing, literature had already spent centuries exploring obsession, forbidden desire, jealousy, and destructive relationships. Just think of Gothic fiction. Love and fear have often occupied the same pages, sometimes becoming so closely intertwined that separating them seems almost impossible. 

Emily Brontë's Wuthering Heights (1847) is one example. Heathcliff's obsession with Catherine is hardly what we'd call a healthy relationship, yet their connection continues to fascinate readers nearly two centuries later. His cruelty, jealousy, and desire for revenge are hardly hidden from the reader, either. Though Wuthering Heights isn't a dark romance novel in the contemporary sense, it raises a familiar question: why are we so drawn to fictional relationships that would be unbearable in real life? 

Deane further points out that many of the themes associated with dark romance existed in fiction long before the novel became the literary form we recognize today. 

“Dark romance handles themes that have existed in fiction even predating the form of the novel, and can be seen as a contemporary outlet for these fantasies and concerns. At the same time, dark romance is distinguished by its origins in digital self-publishing and its self-conscious relationship to its own material, amongst other factors.” 

So BookTok did not ‘invent’ the appeal of the dangerous love interest. What has changed is how these stories are published, categorized, and discussed. 

Digital self-publishing helped dark romance develop into a more recognizable genre. Online reading communities have since made its characters and tropes increasingly visible, even reaching people who have never read the books themselves. A fifteen-second edit about a character's obsession, a catchy opening sentence hinting at a controlling relationship, or a particularly daring scene may get hundreds of people talking about a dark romance book. Furthermore, all of this can happen in under five minutes. But that brings us back to the original problem. 

Are we romanticizing these behaviors, or are we simply enjoying stories about them? 

Depicting vs. Romanticizing Abuse in Fiction 

To reevaluate the question, let's consider two fictional relationships. In both, a man constantly monitors his partner's whereabouts, becomes jealous of anyone who approaches her, and refuses to respect her attempts to leave. In the first story, his behavior is portrayed as frightening and, at times, dangerous. The woman feels trapped, and the consequences of his actions are taken seriously. In the second, his obsession is treated as evidence that nobody else could ever love her quite as intensely. Even though the behavior hasn't changed a bit, the way it is portrayed changes how we understand the entire relationship. This is where the distinction between depiction and romanticization becomes important. 

A novel can portray abuse without necessarily endorsing it. After all, literature would be rather limited if every single character had to behave like a decent person. But there is a difference between showing someone behaving terribly and presenting that behavior as something admirable. And then there is another layer: what an author intends to communicate is not necessarily what a reader takes away. 

Deane makes this distinction particularly interesting. A story written to examine a harmful relationship might still be interpreted by some readers as celebrating it. Similarly, a story that appears to endorse a particular behavior might be approached critically by someone else. 

“The question of whether a text explores or endorses certain dynamics is unfortunately too complicated to answer here; on the one hand, there are many ways, but on the other, this is also a question of how readers choose to use and relate to material. There is a long history of erotic writing framed as other genres (cautionary tale, medical case study, moral injunction, etc.) – there is no guarantee that a text looking to explore something will not be used to endorse it, nor that a text written as an endorsement will be used to criticize or engage with the subject matter.” 

That makes romanticization difficult to identify through content alone. We have to consider how a relationship is framed, how its characters are treated, and what the narrative rewards or questions. 

Does the story recognize a violation of boundaries as harmful? Does it give the characters room to confront what happened? Or does it suggest that the violation was justified because the person responsible was simply too much in love? 

These questions do not always have obvious answers. 

And perhaps they shouldn't. 

Can Readers Separate Fantasy From Real Relationships?

This is usually where conversations about dark romance get a little heated. 

On one side, there are concerns about abusive behaviors being packaged as desirable relationships. On the other hand, readers argue that fictional preferences have little to do with what someone would accept from a real partner. And both conversations deserve more attention than a comment-section argument can usually offer. 

Catherine Roach, a scholar of popular romance, makes an important distinction between real-life relationships and fictional fantasy. Controlling behavior and a disregard for consent are serious red flags outside fiction. That does not, however, mean that every story featuring those behaviors automatically endorses relationship violence. 

“Cultural, literary, and feminist critics have long debated such questions along the lines of second-wave feminist Germaine Greer’s iconic phrase about women ‘cherishing the chains of their bondage.’ In real life, controlling behavior is a red flag. It is not sexy. Failure to seek and respect consent is not romantic. These are bedrock principles of healthy relationships. Fans of dark romance are far from passive readers, however. On sites like BookTok and Goodreads, these fans show their own insight and analysis of the genre. Readers endlessly review and debate plots and characters. Through means such as BookTok’s short videos and edits, fans show active engagement and ownership of storylines. Indeed, many successful authors start out as readers themselves. 

For me, part of my feminism is support of women’s reading pleasures and writing practices. I trust girls, women, and all readers to find the books that are meaningful to them. I believe in readers’ ability to distinguish the fantasy of fiction from the reality of the everyday. I believe in our ability to recognize real-life expectations for healthy intimacy and consent. I would not shame someone for what they love to read.” 

Note: All expert quotations in this series, including those above, are drawn from email interviews conducted specifically for this Our Wave blog series.

A reader might enjoy the intensity of a fictional obsession while recognizing that being followed, threatened, or controlled in real life would be terrifying. And enjoying a story does not necessarily mean agreeing with everything that happens in it. 

So, What Are We Really Reading? 

Maybe the first mistake we make when discussing dark romance is assuming that a story must be either a harmless fantasy or an endorsement of everything it portrays. But fiction is rarely that straightforward. 

There is also something we haven't given enough credit to: the label dark romance itself. This is an argument frequently made in defense of the genre. Surely no one expects an innocent romance story to be labeled as ‘dark’. So, in a sense, doesn't the label itself already function as a disclaimer? 

Well, at least to some extent. 

A genre label can suggest that we are about to encounter disturbing themes, but it doesn't tell us which ones, or how far a story might go. Violence, manipulation, and sexual coercion are not interchangeable, so readers aren't necessarily informed about whether a story contains themes that cross their personal boundaries. One reader might be comfortable with a fictional relationship built around obsession but draw the line at the disregard of sexual consent. Someone else might find both equally unsettling. So while the label dark romance gives us an idea of what to expect, it cannot tell us everything about the story, let alone how we are supposed to feel about it. 

Still, there is something worth acknowledging here. Recognizing that a fictional relationship is unhealthy doesn't prevent someone from enjoying the story. But enjoying it doesn't mean we should stop questioning the way that relationship is portrayed, either. An author writes a relationship, a reader interprets it, and an online community shaped by many of these interpretations may come together to give it an entirely different meaning. Somewhere along the way, obsession may be perceived as devotion, control as protection, and a character's worst qualities as their most celebrated ones. The label may prepare us for the darkness, but it doesn't necessarily explain what the story does with it. 

So perhaps the question isn't simply whether a book contains abuse, but what the book asks us to feel about it. And even then, we're left with another question. 

Why do some of these fictional red flags appeal to us in the first place? 

In real life, control and obsession aren’t proof of love. If you recognize these behaviors in your own relationship, you deserve support. Our Wave’s community platform offers a place to read other survivors’ stories, share your own when you feel ready, ask trauma-informed specialists questions, and explore resources at your own pace.

In Part II, we'll explore why obsession, danger, and possessiveness can become attractive in fiction, even when they represent everything we might want to avoid in real life.