Breaking the Silence Around COCSA and Trauma-Driven Harm

Since launching the Our Wave community platform, we've witnessed thousands of survivors finding courage to share their stories. Among these stories, we've also witnessed how many survivors have experienced child-on-child sexual abuse (COCSA). 

COCSA represents a deeply complex reality. 

In some cases, survivors of childhood sexual abuse may later initiate harmful behavior as a response to unresolved trauma. It’s so important to understand how trauma can manifest this way, not to excuse harm, but to prevent it, protect survivors, and interrupt cycles of abuse.

This article explores the link between childhood trauma and “sexual acting out,” and how trauma-informed care, early intervention, and compassionate accountability can pave the way for individual and collective healing.

Understanding “Sexual Acting Out” and Its Roots in Trauma

The phrase “sexual acting out” often carries moral weight. But in clinical contexts, it refers to something more complex. It can represent behaviors that come from traumatic pasts, as well as actions that try to manage pain or regain a sense of control, even when they cause harm.

Dr. Tian Dayton explains that "unconscious sexual acting out can indicate signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults. It might be seen as both a way to self-medicate unhealed, unconscious emotional and psychological pain and as a way of finally getting the closeness that we have longed for, for a lifetime" (Dayton, 2017).

Furthermore, clinical research reveals that sexual acting out often occurs "during periods in which the integrity of the self is threatened by some disappointment, some frustration, or what is perceived as an unavoidable but unfair demand" (Turken, 2001). 

Rather than processing these feelings in healthy ways, trauma can manifest through sexual behavior, which may temporarily reduce anxiety, but ultimately masks a much deeper pain.

This creates a devastating situation for children who’ve experienced sexual abuse. Trauma disrupts their ability to recognize boundaries, regulate emotions, and control impulses  (Luz, 2022). 

Instead of learning that touch can be safe and respectful, children survivors may associate it with fear, secrecy, and confusion. This creates conditions where childhood trauma and sexual acting out become tragically connected.

Recognizing the Warning Signs: Early Intervention in COCSA Cases

Specific behavioral indicators often emerge in children who have experienced abuse. However, it’s important to understand the difference between warning signs versus normal sexual development within children.

Normal vs. Concerning Behavior 

Normal childhood exploration typically involves mutual curiosity between children of similar ages and developmental stages. These interactions are characterized by:

• Mutual interest from both children

• Similar developmental understanding (usually within 2-3 years of age)

• Stopping when a parent interrupts or one child says no

• Age-appropriate understanding without knowledge of adult sexual behaviors

It becomes concerning when behaviors involve coercion, significant power imbalances, or sexual acts beyond normal curiosity. Power imbalances are also not limited to age differences—they can include differences in knowledge, authority, or developmental level. 

Intervention: Responding with Care and Confidence

Early intervention is imperative, as it can prevent further escalation of problematic sexual behaviors. Intervention includes teaching about healthy boundaries and body safety and addressing any underlying trauma before it escalates into lifelong patterns.

However, intervening can also feel strange and uncomfortable. That’s why it’s important that children learn about body boundaries and content in age-appropriate language as soon as they can talk. Calm, open discussions about healthy behaviors ultimately help reinforce that same behavior in children.

When Trauma Manifests as Harm

One of the most difficult truths about childhood sexual abuse is how it can create situations where victims may later initiate harm toward others. Understanding these patterns does not excuse the harm or diminish its impact. Instead, it addresses root causes and protects others from being hurt.

Sexual abuse fundamentally distorts a child's understanding of boundaries, intimacy, and power. Through what experts call "traumatic sexualization," children may begin associating sexual behavior with attention, affection, or control. They often internalize inappropriate sexual knowledge without having the emotional tools to process it. This can lead them to begin mimicking their abuser's behaviors as a way to regain their control or process all of their confusion (Finkelhor & Browne, 1985).

Again, recognizing these dynamics does not minimize the trauma inflicted on others. Survivors of COCSA deserve to have their pain fully acknowledged.

COCSA Involving Family Members

For many survivors, especially those whose harm came from family members, the path to healing can feel even more complex. These situations present unique challenges, including:

• Complications of ongoing relationships: Unlike abuse by strangers or non-family members, survivors often maintain relationships with family members who hurt them. This can create ongoing confusion about how to reconcile caring for someone with acknowledging the harm they caused.

• The myth of "less serious" harm: Society often minimizes abuse between children, viewing it as "normal experimentation." This dismissive attitude can leave survivors feeling like their experiences don't matter or weren't "real" abuse.

• Different developmental trajectories: Children who cause harm often grow up alongside their victims, sometimes developing into caring adults who may not remember or understand their actions. This can create confusion for survivors about whether to address past harm or maintain family peace.

It's important to understand that having a positive current relationship with a family member doesn't erase past harm or invalidate an experience. Both realities can coexist and both deserve to be acknowledged.

Balancing Compassion and Accountability in Healing

Compassion and accountability both matter for COCSA cases. Childhood sexual abuse victims who become initiators need compassion for their pain and accountability for their actions.

Compassion recognizes that children who hurt others may have themselves been victims of abuse or had exposure to violence, calling for trauma-informed care rather than strict punishment. 

That being said, compassion should never come at the cost of a survivor’s validation or safety. Accountability ensures that harm is acknowledged, its impact taken seriously, and that children who act out are supported in making safer choices moving forward.

Therapeutic approaches like trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) can help address root causes and promote healing for these complex cases. Restorative practices, community support networks, and healthy education on boundaries and consent are all holistic care measures that promote healing.

Resources for COCSA Prevention and Healing

The resources below serve multiple audiences - practitioners working with COCSA cases, families seeking support, and survivors who may be reading this article. 

Crisis Support

• National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)

• RAINN Online Chat: rainn.org

• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741

• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 988

• Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453

Community Support

• Our Wave Community: Connect with other survivors who understand your experience

• Online support groups through organizations like RAINN and local crisis centers

Specialized COCSA Resources

• Hidden Water: Restorative justice healing circles for those 18+ impacted by child sexual abuse, including those who have harmed and those harmed, as well as family members

• National Center for Missing and Exploited Children: Training and resources for recognizing and responding to sexual behaviors in children

• Saprea: Prevention tools for parents and caregivers, along with healing resources including online materials, support groups, and free retreats

Advocacy and Systemic Change

• Brave Movement: Global education and advocacy to prevent child sexual violence through campaigns demanding systemic change

• RAINN: Confidential crisis support and survivor-centered resources, plus advocacy for policy changes

Moving Beyond Shame

The reality that childhood sexual abuse victims can sometimes harm other children challenges us to expand our understanding of trauma's complexity. This shouldn’t minimize the harm caused or excuse behaviors. 

Survivors of COCSA deserve acknowledgment, justice, and support. Healing requires addressing root causes, keeping survivor safety and validation at the center.

When we understand the connection between childhood trauma and sexual acting out, we can respond with crucial interventions. We can create communities where children receive the support they need before pain turns into patterns that harm others. We can build systems that hold space for both accountability and compassion.

Every child deserves protection, support, and the opportunity to heal from trauma before it defines their future. The path from pain to pattern doesn't have to be inevitable. Breaking the silence around these difficult realities helps to create space for conversations, resources, and interventions.

For COCSA survivors: You're not alone in this journey. Join the Our Wave community to connect with others who truly understand, access specialized resources, and find the support you deserve as you navigate your healing path.

For organizations and advocates: Discover partnerships to create trauma-informed spaces that serve COCSA survivors with the nuanced care they need. Contact us to explore collaborations that can expand resources and build communities where healing thrives.

References:

Dayton, Tian. “The Unconscious and Sexual Acting out the Use of Psychodrama in Treating Sexual Addiction.” HuffPost, 9 Mar. 2017, www.huffpost.com/entry/the-unconscious-and-sexual-acting-out-the-use-of-psychodrama_b_58c1aa82e4b0a797c1d39a45.

Finkelhor, David, and Browne, Angela. “The Traumatic Impact of Child Sexual Abuse: A Conceptualization.” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, vol. 54,4 (1985). www.celcis.org/application/files/8116/2185/5415/The_Traumatic_Impact_of_Child_Sexual_Abuse.pdf

Luz, Matthew J. “Childhood Sexual Abuse in Boys Under the Age of 18: Nonverbal Disclosure Patterns Through Behavior.” The Graduate Review, vol. 7,9 (2022): 59-68. 

vc.bridgew.edu/grad_rev/vol7/iss1/9/

Turken, H. “The psychotherapeutic encounter: sexual acting out as the focus of intervention.” American journal of psychoanalysis, vol. 61,2 (2001): 185-97. doi:10.1023/a:1010202303433