Guide for Setting Healthy Boundaries and Finding Balance

What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?

Boundaries are guidelines for relationships. Boundaries allow us to take care of ourselves and others. They exist on a spectrum from “rigid” to “weak”. Rigid boundaries might mean having trouble asking for help or inviting people into your space. Weak boundaries might mean taking on more than you feel comfortable with at work or with friends.

You might experience grief for relationships that left you feeling worn out because of unclear boundaries. Boundaries should honor your autonomy. But they can be hard to set if clear, healthy boundaries haven’t been modeled or set by caregivers or the adults in your life.

And then as an adult, setting boundaries with people in your life can be difficult if those people are used to you not having clear boundaries. There’s a common, valid worry that once you set boundaries, you might lose friendships, or relationships. But you’re navigating authenticity. It sometimes takes a little trial and error to figure out what feels good to you. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t, or that it’s too late or too hard to impose boundaries on your relationships. A lot of growth and wellness comes from not stretching yourself thin.

You’re not rude for setting boundaries. You deserve safety and good mental and physical health. Creating and maintaining boundaries isn’t done in a vacuum. It’s a relational act. And, again, boundaries are modelled. If you grew up with unclear boundaries, it takes work to honor your needs in relationships. While it might be a process to learn, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, or that you have needs! In fact, the opposite is true. You should commend yourself for being courageous in navigating what feels right for you. 

Family Origins and Boundary Development

You might come from a family with tight boundaries, or loose boundaries, or your family might waffle between the two styles. You, as a child, would have had no control over your family’s enforcement of boundaries. The field of family therapy works a lot with boundaries, what they look like and how they’re enforced.

What sometimes happens in families and relationships, is that when boundaries are weaker, two family members might talk to each other about issues they have with a third family member, rather than addressing those issues directly with the third member. This is called triangulation.

Bowen family systems argues that the more diffuse boundaries are, the more likely for triangulation to occur. “…more triangulation present in the family of origin, presumed to manifest from low levels of differentiation among the primary caregivers, reinforces insecure attachment and a low level of differentiation in the child.” (Ross et al., 2016)

I write this not to get lost in the weeds here, but as an example of the effects unhealthy boundaries in childhood might have later in life. I’m not looking to place blame on the past but indicate that we don’t all emerge into adulthood with manuals for relationships. 

Setting Rigid Boundaries

Boundaries exist on a continuum. Rigid boundaries might mean difficulty asking for help or trouble with spontaneity. You might feel frustrated in relationships. Having strict boundaries might’ve served you well in the past. Maybe it didn’t always feel comfortable asking for help or being too open in relationships. It might feel good at first to have strict boundaries, especially if you’re a survivor of harm. But implementing healthier boundaries doesn’t mean giving up independence. Setting healthy boundaries in fact is testament to your sense of agency. 

Setting Loose Boundaries

Having looser boundaries might mean agreeing to take on more than you’re comfortable with out of fear of losing a relationship. Maybe you have a friend who always asks you to pick them up at the airport or take them to appointments. You might not really have time in your day to run to the airport, or run errands, but you do it anyway because you don’t want to disappoint them. Honoring your needs can be really tough in this situation! Of course, being asked to run errands isn’t in of itself a cause for alarm, but rather how the situation makes you feel, like if you feel beholden to someone rather than mutually respected in the relationship. 

Begin the Journey of Boundary Setting

If you do have trouble setting boundaries, you can start small. It can be helpful to establish routine. Maybe you turn your phone on “do not disturb” an hour before bedtime, instead of checking in with work or friends right up until you fall asleep. Maybe you don’t check your email before a certain time, or while you’re eating meals. 

Because we’re human, you might find yourself setting a boundary and then walking back on it. I’ve done that. It doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. In fact, it means you’re learning and growing and trying something new and challenging.

Setting boundaries is a process. One that can be challenging to do on your own. Maybe you have a close friend or a partner to share your boundary-setting process with. Or you can consider joining a support group. Therapy can also be a wonderful tool for discussing and working on boundary setting.

Verywell Health and Psych Central have resources for those struggling with boundary setting. You can find support groups on those sites or in your local community. They also have quizzes for anyone to reflect on their boundaries.

Additionally, Our Wave has extensive resources for the unique needs of survivors of harm. You are certainly not alone if you’re working towards healthier boundaries. All sorts of folks, across cultures, with all sorts of histories, find boundaries tricky. 

Customizing Boundaries for Different Relationships

Again, because we’re human, there are no clear rules for boundary setting. Figuring out what relationships in your life need what level of boundary-strictness might take some reflecting. Setting boundaries isn’t clearcut and universal. You might have a friend who you really like, but who you know can be emotionally draining after a few hours. That doesn’t mean you need to end that friendship entirely. Instead, it might mean deciding before you hang out with that friend, how long you want to hang out and what kind of activity is best for that friend.  

Self Care and Boundaries

Implementing and enforcing boundaries can be exhausting. It requires work. And especially if it’s unfamiliar, it can be draining work. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, or there’s something wrong with you. It means you are taking care of yourself! Be gentle and kind with yourself.

Finding ways to rest can be crucial. Rest might look like napping or an at-home spa day. Or it might not. If you’re used to, or more comfortable, meeting the needs of others around you before taking care of yourself, it might be challenging to know how to rest, or what rest looks like for you. It might involve trial and error. Maybe a gentle walk listening to music feels like rest. Maybe cooking a meal might be rest. Maybe going dancing with friends looks like rest. 

A whole bunch of emotions might come up for you as you consider your boundaries and work to set new ones. You might feel guilty. You might feel stressed, or fearful that you’ll lose a relationship. You might feel relieved. There’s no right or wrong reaction. Your feelings are valid.

It might be challenging to know or predict how you’ll react to boundary settings. Not knowing an outcome can be tough for survivors of harm. Be patient with yourself! If you are in the process of setting clearer boundaries, it can be helpful to have self-care plans in place. If you have a favorite book or TV show or going for a walk makes you feel better, keep that mind as emotions arise. 

Setting boundaries will probably mean that your relationships will shift. You might lose some relationships. Even if you know a relationship really isn’t working for you, it can still be incredibly painful to lose a relationship. That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.

If you do feel doubt, it’s important to reflect back on your reasons for wanting healthier boundaries. Maybe you’re tired of consistently biting off more than you can chew. Or you’re tired of being the person everyone goes to for everything. Maybe it no longer feels good to do everything yourself, never asking for help. Reasons for wanting healthier boundaries are as unique as every person reading this article!

Ultimately, boundaries establish connection and support mental health and wellbeing. When we have people in our lives we can rely on, we can start to relax. Having healthy boundaries is an act of kindness to yourself.  

Resources 

https://www.verywellhealth.com/setting-boundaries-5208802

https://psychcentral.com/relationships/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some

https://community.ourwave.org/en/resources

References

Ross, A. S., Hinshaw, A. B., & Murdock, N. L. (2016). Integrating the Relational Matrix: 

Attachment Style, Differentiation of Self, Triangulation, and Experiential Avoidance. 

Contemporary Family Therapy, 38(4), 400–411. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10591-016-9395-5