過去の境界を理解し、明確さと思いやりを見つける

When I was 12, a family member began touching me inappropriately and making comments about my body and appearance. He would call me into private spaces to 'talk' but would just continue this behavior. After one particularly disturbing incident that left me nauseous for days, I began feeling very uncomfortable and made excuses to avoid him. While nothing 'very bad' happened, it affected me severely until I was almost 15. Eventually, I had to beg my mother to tell him to stop touching me. After she finally did, he completely ignored me, which made me question if I had imagined everything. Now our relationship is 'normal' and I'm no longer afraid of him. Recently, after speaking with someone who experienced similar but 'more serious' abuse, I reviewed my old journals and messages from that time. The details I documented sound much worse than I remember, and I feel confused about how to interpret these events. I believe he didn't mean it sexually and that I might have misinterpreted things due to being autistic with sensory issues. I don't want to damage our relationship by reaching false conclusions, but reading these old accounts has left me feeling lightheaded and nauseous. How do I make sense of this?

Thank you for sharing your story with such honesty and vulnerability. It takes tremendous courage to revisit these painful memories and reach out about them, especially when they involve someone close to you. The physical symptoms you're experiencing now - feeling lightheaded and nauseous - are your body's natural response to confronting difficult memories, and it's important to be gentle with yourself during this process. What you've described sounds like a pattern of boundary violations by an adult family member during your formative years that caused you significant distress. Your documented experiences from age twelve paint a picture of repeated inappropriate touching and comments about your body that left you feeling scared and uncomfortable enough to develop avoidance strategies. The fact that you felt the need to document these experiences, that one incident left you nauseous for days, and that you had to beg for intervention indicates that your body and mind were sending clear signals that something wasn't right. It's very common for survivors to minimize their experiences, especially when comparing them to others' stories or when the perpetrator is someone they care about. Our minds sometimes try to protect us by downplaying distressing events, particularly to preserve important relationships. Phrases like "nothing very bad ever happened" often reflect this protective instinct, but the severity of boundary violations isn't measured by specific acts alone - the impact of ongoing inappropriate behavior, especially by a trusted family member, can be deeply affecting. Being autistic with sensory differences doesn't make your experiences any less valid or necessarily mean you misinterpreted anything. While sensory processing might affect how you experience touch, it doesn't explain or excuse an adult's pattern of inappropriate touching and comments about your body, especially after showing clear signs of discomfort. Your feelings of fear and discomfort were legitimate responses to actions that crossed personal boundaries. The shift in your relationship after your mother's intervention - his complete ignoring of you - represents a significant change in behavior that suggests he was aware his actions needed to stop. This kind of dramatic shift can be incredibly confusing and may lead us to question our memories or interpretations. However, your documented experiences from that time represent your authentic feelings and perceptions when the events were happening. The fact that your relationship feels "normal" now doesn't invalidate or erase your past experiences and their impact. People and relationships are complex, and it's possible to hold multiple truths at once: you can care about this family member while also acknowledging that his actions were harmful. You don't have to label him as entirely "bad" to recognize that his behavior was inappropriate and affected you deeply. Your current comfort around him doesn't negate what happened in the past - it might simply reflect your mind's ability to compartmentalize difficult experiences so you can maintain important relationships. Working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands both trauma and autism could provide a safe space to process these memories and their impact. They can help you navigate these complex feelings about past events while maintaining current relationships in a way that feels safe and authentic for you. There's no rush to make sense of everything or come to any immediate conclusions about your relationship. Remember that seeking understanding of your past experiences isn't about reaching absolute conclusions about someone's character or intent - it's about acknowledging and healing from experiences that clearly affected you. Your feelings and memories from that time are valid, even if your relationship has changed. You deserve understanding, compassion, and peace as you continue to navigate this journey. Thank you for trusting us with your story. We appreciate you.