I Feel Like It Was All My Fault: How to Manage and Unlearn Self-Blame
May 13, 2025
What is sexual violence?
Sexual violence is any situation in which a person is forced or manipulated into unwanted sexual activity without their consent. This includes scenarios in which consent was given and then retracted at any point during the sexual activity and/or when consent was given dubiously or under duress (such as being forced or coerced).
Anyone can experience sexual violence, including people of any age, gender or sexual identity, ethnicity, race, religion, sexual orientation, ability, or social and economic status. Those who carry out the act of sexual violence can be a stranger, acquaintance, family member, friend, coworker, or a romantic partner. This information is important to understand that sexual violence can happen to and by anyone.
Rape myths, media, and people you talk to will sometimes argue that avoiding certain behaviors or being a certain ‘type of person’ will prevent you from ever experiencing sexual violence. But this is not the case, as there is no stereotypical survivor or perpetrator. Every person’s specific experience with sexual violence is unique to them and completely valid.
Who is to blame?
Sexual violence is NEVER the survivor’s fault. Myths about sexual violence will claim that the survivor shouldn’t have ‘encouraged it,’ whether through their clothing, words, or actions. Myths say that even if a survivor was extremely intoxicated or under duress and said yes, then it doesn’t count as rape.
The fact: Sexual violence is never the fault of the survivor. No one ‘asks’ for or deserves to be at the end of such an attack. It is always in the perpetrator’s decision to harass, touch, harm, or assault another person.
Then why do I feel like it’s my fault?
While there can be many physical effects of sexual violence, one of the most significant impacts is on a person’s mental health. It can cause psychological symptoms ranging from anxiety and depression to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, and suicidal thoughts. It can profoundly affect a survivor’s sense of self-identity and worth. It is an unfortunately common experience for survivors of sexual violence to feel emotions of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and self-blame for what occurred. Survivors might feel like:
You were ‘asking for it’
If you had done something differently, then it wouldn’t have happened
There is something wrong with you
You are ‘dirty’ because of it
Many feel as if the sexual violence was their fault and blame themselves for it. Many also become unsure if what happened was really an assault, or feel as if the experience wasn’t ‘bad enough’ to count as an assault.
This is furthered by rape myths and the victim-blaming mentality of people close to survivors or their surrounding community. This can be seen especially in different media forms. By hearing and seeing the blame, it’s easy to believe it and accept it when faced with your own experience of sexual violence. The internalized stigma erodes self-confidence, self-identity, and makes it challenging for survivors to push forward for support, healing, boundaries, and advocacy for themself and others.
Unfortunately, while perpetrators of sexual violence can be anyone, they are usually someone that the survivor knows. Of adults, 73% knew the attacker, 38% were friends of the attacker, 28% were an intimate partner of the attacker, and 7% were a relative of the attacker (Maston & Klaus, 2005).
When it pertains to children, 90% of the time they knew the offender before the attack (Greenfeld, 1996). Due to this, there may be an added pressure to shift the blame onto yourself if the perpetrator isn’t a stranger, as it can be hard to confront the reality that someone you know and/or care for could do something so awful to you.
The pressure only becomes heavier when others in your life know or are close to your attacker. These people may resist the story of a survivor, arguing that the attacker “could never do such a thing,” or “you’re just misunderstanding what happened.” This can further confuse your own feelings and thoughts of self-blame.
The important thing is to remember that no matter how honest, funny, or kind a friend, son/daughter, brother/sister, classmate, boyfriend/girlfriend supposedly is, this does not reverse the fact that they committed a heinous and immoral act. Someone can seem perfect and good in your story and still be an attacker in someone else’s story.
From personal experience, I know how easy it can be to internalize the false belief that you are somehow responsible for the assault. At 17-years-old and in my first real relationship, I had no true concept of what sex should look and feel like. All I knew was that something was not right with what I was experiencing. I couldn’t chalk it up to sexual assault, I wouldn’t, because the media and books and what others had talked about in my life all made it out to seem like sexual violence had to be some violent, dramatic affair with kicking and screaming. I thought the monster was supposed to be some scary adult in the shadows, not the 18-year-old boyfriend my parents had met, who held my hand, and who seemed to love me so much.
And so it was hard to accept that this person could be harming me in such a deep and personal way. My ‘no’s’ were not kicking and screaming, but quiet, unsure ‘I don’t know’s’ and ‘I don’t feel like it’s.’ And so it was hard to accept that this was not my fault and that I hadn’t asked for it, especially because I always said ‘yes’ in the end.
It was always “he’s good to me most of the time, except when…” and I struggled for years to accept that it was the “except when” that was the most important part of this story. His good did not overpower the bad. It was never my fault, but it took me a long time to get to the point of accepting that. It is a difficult but very possible journey to rid oneself of self-blame, one that every survivor deserves to feel the relief of.
The truth of the matter is, anything other than a sound-of-mind, enthusiastic ‘yes’ is still a ‘no.’ It doesn’t matter how quiet it is or when the 'no' is said - the sexual activity should not begin or continue if it is not a full-hearted 'yes' all the way through. And it is fully the responsibility of the other person to immediately listen and respect the ‘no,’ no matter what.
It is never the fault of the survivor. And even if a person seems nice or treats you well most of the time, it’s important to acknowledge and accept that the bad they do is not invalidated by the good.
How can I combat self-blame?
The first steps to confronting this problem is to recognize your thoughts about the situation and understand when your thoughts become self-blame. Identifying the pattern of these thoughts can allow you to start challenging and replacing them. There’s a big difference between attributing an outcome to certain factors, and needing someone to pin it on.
You may think, “if I hadn’t worn that short skirt, he wouldn’t have wanted to attack me,” but the reality is that even people covered head-to-toe in clothing are attacked, so your decision to wear those clothes is not what’s to blame. The organization Rape Crisis of England and Wales (RCEW) says to look out for any thoughts that sound like:
'I should have…'
'I shouldn't have…'
'If I had only...then it wouldn't have happened.'
'I deserved it.'
'I was asking for it.'
'I led him on.'
These harmful thoughts are patterns that need to be stopped. They may come up in triggering or stressful situations, or appear on your mind throughout the day. The important next step after recognizing them is to challenge these thoughts of self-blame. The RCEW and Psychology Today have a series of helpful ways to go about this:
Think of yourself as a friend: This means to put a friend in your shoes and think about how you would go about the same situation if they were telling it to you. Would you blame your friend for what happened to them? Would you tell them it was their fault and think they should have done things differently? Or, would you offer support, compassion, and empathy? It is common for people to be kinder to others than we are to ourselves, so treat yourself as such. Think of what a good friend would say to you, including what supportive comments they’d make or ways they’d tell you to help process and heal from the situation.
Compare evidence: Write a list of arguments that back up your self-blaming thoughts, then write a list of arguments against your thoughts. This will help you combat your own thoughts of self-blame by seeing it from a different perspective and fighting to push back against them. Look at it as a game of lawyer, and you’re your own defense team. RCEW gave the following example:
For: ‘I didn’t say anything, so maybe they thought I wanted it.’
Against: ‘They should never assume. Being quiet can be a sign of being uncomfortable. If they weren’t sure what I wanted, then they should’ve asked.’
For: ‘I shouldn’t have gotten drunk.’
Against: ‘Being drunk meant that I could NOT consent to what happened, and the blame lies on them.’
Talk back to the self-blaming voice: This means telling your thoughts, ‘you’re wrong.’ Don’t let the thoughts of self-blame even settle and fester in your mind. Instead, after recognizing their patterns and the beginning signs/phrases of a self-blaming thought, instantly shut it down. You can do this in your own mind or even in front of a mirror. Sometimes speaking the words out loud can help give them greater power and help your brain to process them better. The repetition of these thoughts and actions will allow you to believe in yourself more and more.
Use positive affirmations: This means focusing on having greater self-compassion rather than being highly critical of yourself. See yourself in a non-judgmental way and speak more kindly to yourself. See your experiences, actions, and reactions as natural and common. Don’t believe that you’re alone in this, and instead see these things as no different than the ways other people experience, act, and react. Once again, we’re often kinder to others than ourselves, so think about how you’d treat others in this situation. You wouldn’t say, ‘it’s all your fault,’ Instead, you’d say, ‘you’re brave.’ You would never want to tell a friend that they’re ‘not enough,’ you’d tell them that they’re amazing! So do this to yourself. Think it, write it down, speak it into a mirror, sing it, or shout it into the world!
I am brave.
I am a survivor.
I am kind.
I am doing the best that I can.
I am not alone.
I am strong.
I am powerful.
I am beautiful/handsome.
I am intelligent.
I am amazing!
Because these are the real truths. You are brave, you are a survivor, and you are amazing. Do not let what has been done to you stop you from seeing the beauty and strength in yourself. Bad things happen to good people, and it does not take away from your worth. Do not take on the responsibility of blame from someone else, and do not let this blame fester and damage your feelings of self-identity, confidence, and self-worth. It is not an easy task, and combating self-blame is a journey that varies per person. No one story looks the same or takes the same amount of time, but remember that you are never alone in this and that it was never, ever your fault.
References
Greenfeld, L.A. (1996). Child Victimizers: Violent offenders and their victims. (NCJ 153258). Retrieved from Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/pdf/ CVVOATVX.PDF
Maston, C., & Klaus, P. (2005) Criminal Victimization in the United States, 2003 statistical tables: National Crime Victimization Survey (NCJ 207811). Retrieved from Bureau of Justice Statistics: http://bjs.ojp.usdoj.gov/content/pub/ pdf/cvus03.pdf
https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/tools-for-victims-and-survivors/self-blame-and-guilt/
