5 Steps to Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship takes courage, planning, and support, and it rarely happens all at once. You can move through each step at your own pace, and you do not have to decide anything today. Whether you are ready to leave now or still sorting out what you are feeling, you deserve information that keeps you safe.

Need to talk to someone now? Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (TTY 1-800-787-3224), or call RAINN's National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673, which is free, confidential, and open 24/7. If someone may see your screen, use the Safety Exit button.

Step 1: Acknowledge the Abuse

It can be difficult to identify if you are being abused. More than 1 in 3 women and more than 1 in 6 men in the United States experience contact sexual violence, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetimes. Oftentimes, an abusive relationship does not start out with abuse. Rather, it may begin in the opposite way. When the relationship first starts, you may find yourself believing that the person is too good to be true. Slowly, this starts to change with time. As the relationship progresses, the abusers’ true behaviors begin to appear. Whether you have previously been abused, are currently being abused, or know someone that was/is abused, it’s important to know what to watch out for. 

Red flags of abuse:

• Extreme jealousy or possessiveness

• Unpredictability 

• Name-calling, embarrassing, or demeaning behaviors 

• Antiquated beliefs about the roles of women and men in relationships

• Threatening behaviors with or without weapons

• Threatening to commit suicide because of you

• Financial control

• Accusations of an affair or flirting 

• Blaming you for everything that goes wrong

• Pressuring you to use drugs or alcohol

• Forced sex

• Cruelty to animals

• Sabotaging your ability to go to school or work

• Limiting the interactions you have with friends and family

• Physical harm to you including, but not limited to hitting, punching, slapping, kicking biting, pushing, and strangling

• Gaslighting (psychological manipulation with the purpose of making someone question their own sanity)

Emotional abuse often leaves no visible mark, which can make it harder to name. Coercion, gaslighting, and love bombing can all be signs of emotional abuse, even when no one else sees them.

Step 2: Make the decision to leave

There are several reasons why a person chooses to stay in an abusive relationship. From the outside perspective, leaving is the obvious decision, but unfortunately, it isn’t that easy for many victims or survivors. I remember when I was towards the end of my abusive relationship, my father told me, “It’s not going to last. I can’t see you dealing with this forever.” I replied with “I know, but not yet. I’m not ready yet.” In my experience, I was not ready to walk away from a relationship without being 100% certain I gave it everything I had. Some victims choose to stay with their abusers due to lack of support, financial support, fear of homelessness for themselves or their children, fear that their lives would be in danger, religious or cultural reasons, and even fear of losing custody. Regardless of the reasons people stay in an abusive relationship, making the decision to leave is extremely difficult. It typically takes a survivor 5-7 attempts at leaving before they finally do (Domestic Violence Prevention Center). There comes a pivotal moment in a survivor’s life where it all just clicks- the abuse, the impact, the exhaustion, and they have had enough. My moment was a few months before I left. I met with my therapist at the time. He was sitting in his wheelie chair and scooted closer- looking at me dead in the eye, and he said, “If a friend was going through the same things, you are right now, what would you tell them?” And immediately the voice inside my head said “Run! Run! Run!” But at the time, I wasn’t ready to walk away, so I copped out and said, “I don’t know.” When you finally make the decision to walk away, it’s normal to have conflicting feelings: sadness, courage, excitement, and dread. One of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship is the time between the decision made to leave, and actually leaving the abuser, especially if you are experiencing physical abuse (domesticviolence.org), which brings us to the next step. 

Step 3: Seek support

You do not have to go through this alone. Speaking with a professional therapist can help you work through the leaving process and rebuild your life the way you want it to be. If you are not sure where to start, our guide to finding a therapist who fits walks you through each step. You can also talk with a trained advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, who can connect you to local support. Reading stories from survivors who have left abusive relationships and browsing the Survivor Q&A can show you that other people have asked the same questions.

Step 4: Create a safety plan

A safety plan is a list of actions, phone numbers/resources, and supports that can help to increase your safety when leaving an abusive situation. One of the many benefits of having a safety plan is that it helps the victim to feel more prepared in a very intense, uncertain time. These are some things your safety plan should have:

• Identify supports: Who are the people that will help you, whether it be physically or emotionally?

• Talk with an advocate before you act: Preparing to leave takes courage, planning, and precaution against the risk of violence, and a trained advocate can help you build a plan that fits your situation. Devices can be monitored, so use one the other person cannot access when you can.

• Assessment of the risk of danger: How dangerous is your current situation? Do you have minimal time to leave? Are there any weapons that could be used against you? Are there cameras in the house that would notify your abuser? If your abuser is physical, what can you do during an attack? Can you make yourself a smaller target, utilize self-defense, or call 911?

• Identify safe areas of the environment and ways to escape: In your environment where you are being abused? Additionally, where can you go to be safe? A closet? A room? Escape out the back door? Identifying ways to escape can add to feeling prepared. 

• Developing visual signals: It might be a good idea to speak to neighbors you trust about your current situation, then come up with hand signals that can alert them when you need assistance. 

• Be prepared: Make a ‘go bag’ that has essential belongings such as a passport, address book, money, some clothes, etc. so if a quick escape is needed, you can take your bag and go!

Step 5: Go no contact

This, in my opinion, is probably one of the hardest steps. When you are in an abusive relationship you become trauma bonded to the abuser. Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment from the victim to the abuser through a repeated cycle of abuse, devaluation, and positive reinforcement. Through trauma bonding, the brain latches onto positive feelings rather than negative ones by experiencing repeated abuse and then being “saved” by the abuser occasionally. The abuser gives just enough love, support, and affection before they rip it away. This causes the abused to question their own sanity and become mentally dependent on the abuser. Honestly, the only sure-fire way to break this attachment is to go no contact. Do not answer their calls, texts, or emails, and most definitely do not agree to see them. Without breaking this bond, you are more susceptible to going back to the abuser. When I first left my relationship, I sat on the couch at 4 am declining call after call after call. There were 5 voicemails- which got progressively angrier each time. It took everything I had not to cave and talk to him, not to agree to meet him, and it took every part of me not to go back even though I knew how bad the relationship was. 

Having children with your abuser makes it far more complicated due to having to see and speak to them on a regular basis. If you share children, going fully no contact may not be possible or safe, and an advocate can help you plan how to limit contact in a way that protects you and your family. Most narcissists/abusers will say or do things just to get a reaction from you. Don’t let them bait you, remember you are stronger than that! Also, if you must communicate with your abuser- document everything and set clear and concise boundaries…and stick to them! Because going no contact can be so uncomfortable and sometimes painful, make sure to rely on your support system when needed, that’s what they’re there for!

Remember: You are strong. You deserve to be respected. You deserve love. You can do this!

What If You Are Not Ready to Leave?

Not being ready does not mean you are failing. People stay for many reasons, including fear, financial concerns, custody worries, and lack of support. Staying does not make the abuse your fault. You can still save the hotline number, build a safety plan, and connect with other survivors while you decide what comes next.

Find Support at Your Own Pace

​​If you identify as a survivor of abuse, please know that here at Our Wave, we support you. Your next step can be a small one. Join our community to read stories from survivors who have left abusive relationships, or browse the Survivor Q&A for answers to questions about leaving.